the one i wanted to title {poop}, but figured no one would read if i did

i was sitting on the couch today trying to nurse the new one when a smell reached my nose.
everyone knows the smell of poop.
especially kid poop.
it's an undeniable and very definable smell.

i looked at my first born who was calmly watching a video next to me.
he would have known he had to go and proudly proclaimed to the sisters and i,
"i have to go poop." and then run off to the bathroom. where, 45 seconds later another proclamation, "i'm done! come wipe me!"
so i know it wasn't him.

i am so thankful he is potty trained this time around.
15-20 diapers a day is enough for me.
he's grown up so much in this last 10 months.
we had a play date today with a little friend of his and i was just amazed at how big he's getting.
so much imagination, so much excitement, so much energy.
there were sharks in their pirate ship, a party in the wagon which then turned into a roller coaster, and lots of examining of bugs.

i look at the new one.
her poop doesn't smell, so i know it's not her.
she's such a good baby.
i'd be so much more of a mess if she wasn't.
feeding isn't always easy with her, haven't totally nailed down why, but i have to just take one feeding at a time.
it's hard to sit on the couch nursing while the other two are busy.
i know it'll get faster. and shorter. and not so stressful.
i know that she'll grow and grow and grow and then she'll be mobile.
and then i'll want to rip my hair out.

i keep thinking to myself, "it'll get easier."
but then i realize. it won't really.
and do i even deserve for it to be easy?
selfishness drives me to want it to be easy.
i don't want to be this exhausted.
i don't want to be this weepy.
i don't want to do all this.
but i must.
and i will.

this is my chosen role.

i'm on day two without the daddy. and it's going okay.
there are moments that are easy. i'm clinging to those moments.
because when it gets hard there are little lies in my head that i believe.
i must take those thoughts captive.
i must remind myself that thru this period of loss of sleep, and loss of time to myself, and loss of a lot of things, that it's just a moment.
and if i allow it to be just that. i can see the blessings that fall thru it onto me.

any mom of a newborn would say it's a hard stage.
any mom of a 13 month old would say it's a hard stage.
any mom of a 3 1/2 year old would say it's a hard stage.
so. i have all three.
and lord willing they'll all go to kindergarten and these will be all but memories.

it'll only be okay if i continue to die to my pride.
i. can. not. do. it. all.
oh, but i so want to.

the small round one now approaches me and i have put the pieces of the puzzle together.
she's the culprit. the creator and sustainer of the smell.
well. we'll just have to endure until i am done bottling the baby the milk i pumped because she screamed for 30 mins while trying to nurse.
i remember her early days too were hard. lots of screaming. daddy was the only one she wanted sometimes.
i had a hard time with her.  a lot of anger. a lot of moments i wish i could take back.
but now, she's so wonderful. she laughs and fairies are born each time.
she's wonderful magic and tons and tons of trouble.
all rolled up in this insanely cute package that walks around with a bloated belly like a drunken sailor shouting commands at everyone.

but, now there's a baby calling for me. and so, hi-ho hi-ho it's off to nurse i go.

i'll leave you with these from the other night.

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