ordinary days

i would be the first to say i'm not anything special. i am just a mom. a wife. a daughter. a sister. a friend.  i am trying to find my way thru the script of my life that was handed to me. it is not always what i wanted or thought it would be. the boxes i had put my expectations and dreams into have at this point been dismantled and destroyed. my hands are wrinkling. my eyes puffy and weary. my skin softer and looser where four lives grew within me. i am not youthful anymore, or at least i do not feel youthful.

i'm only 31 and yet i feel so much older. my days take so much out of me. and i remind myself frequently it is a season. but, a season of storms makes one tired of trying to swim and keep her head above the waves. the phrase "trying to keep our head above water" would perfectly describe how we have been transitioning to life as a family of 6. things are hard. i cry almost every day from pure fatigue and the overwhelming exhaustion that comes with having a 5 year old, 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 year old, and a 1 month old. 

yet, we are not the first to have to face life with many littles. it makes me think that i am not cut out for the job title of 'mama.' maybe it's us. maybe we struggle because we are not cut out for the life of parents. but, that is a lie. my husband is a wonderful father. and i know that i am a good mama. some days.

these hard, long, tiring days are filled with whispers in my head of defeat and failure. simply put, it's easy to believe a lie. there are so many reasons why i feel defeated, but many of them come with the territory of being a mother. our days are filled with so much repetition, correction, redundancy it can feel that we never make any progress. i recently told my husband it feels like we are in a giant pit trying to climb our way out to the day light and just like that someone will turn on a hose and the dirt becomes mud and we are buried up to our necks.

it's easy to believe that's all it will ever be. we love to see life in polaroids. yet, we don't realize we are only seeing snapshots of a beautiful panorama. and it is full of ordinary days. these days that we have don't have to be defeating. i don't have to see my day, my children, myself as being failures. i must choose to see that in the beautiful simplicity of an ordinary day there is freedom from the feeling of defeat. this is an ordinary day. it is full of tantrums. full of rebellion, both in my heart and my children's. it is full of laundry, dirty dishes, night time kisses, hugs and 'hold me mama.' it is full of fatigue, and crazy toddler energy. it is full of dirty floors, legos, princess crowns, and tears. it is an ordinary day and it is beautiful.

i am a boo-boo kisser and that makes me special. i am mama. and that makes me very special to four little people. the ordinary is special.

i am striving to see, thank, and relish in the beautiful ordinary of our life. i am striving not to feel that i am standing still while others are moving forward. constantly thrust back into the newborn stage while others have kids growing and moving on. fighting the feeling of being left behind. but to find gratitude for the lives i've been given charge over. to not mess this up, and have grace for the messes.

it's in this stage of life that words mean so much to me. words of encouragement are life fuel to my heart and soul. i have been extremely encouraged by songs, books, and real words spoken directly to me. i hope to be that to others. this is hard, but we can do it. and, not in the survival sort of way, but we can thrive in this role of motherhood. we have the most important job. we shape hearts. and to be able to shape hearts in the little ones, we must first allow our hearts, my heart to be shaped. change is never easy, but to surrender the negative feelings and change within ourselves is life altering to say the least. 

rachel jankovich said, “Motherhood is hard work. It is repetitive and often times menial. Accept it. Rejoice in it. This is your toil. Right here. Those are their faces. Enjoy them. The days of your life are supposed to be full of things like this. But joy is not giddy. It is not an emotional rush–it is what happens when you accept your lot and rejoice in your toil. So rejoice in your children. Look them in the eyes and give thanks.” 

and that dear friends, is what i must do. i will give thanks. thanks for the ordinary day of today. and tomorrow. and the day after that. 

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